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| I think this will be the last post this Xanga ever sees. I've
been thinking about ending it for a while- I mean, anyone who actually
cares about my life can ask me at any time, and if I ever have any good
news to report everyone who knows me will find out right away.
This pointless chronicle is as good as done, barring some reason to
ever post in it again.
Lately, things haven't been going very well. The last week in
particular has been rough. Meg and I have been going through a
lot of hard times. My closest friends will know that usually I'm
a pretty happy guy, but this is one of those moments when everything
seems shaky. Some of the things in my life that I really care
about, the things I depend upon, seem to be cracking beneath me.
I feel lonely and forsaken and vulnerable.
It's not like I won't be going back to NYU. It's not like my
family is leaving me, or that I've suffered some catastrophic injury
that will prevent me from being a lifeguard or a fencer. But a
few things have gone wrong recently, and now I'm scrambling for
security.
The first posts in this web journal were the awkward musings of a
lonely, weak kid. I've grown up and learned some, and maybe I'm a
little wiser, but that kid is still inside me. I try to be nice,
but I'm by no means perfect, or even all that good. I've been
mean and inconsiderate, I've made enemies, and I've alienated good
friends of mine. I've been selfish and stupid, and when I haven't
been a prick I've been spineless and weak. All this time and I
still can't do it right.
Maybe something good will happen and I'll feel like using this to tell
everyone about it. Maybe I'll feel like bitching here
again. But I doubt it. Those of you who care can always IM
me at Bobius411 or email me at bob.curtin@nyu.edu . I'm on
facebook, too.
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| I Only
Know Conversational Latin
Hipster #1: But you're not even Chinese!
Hipster #2: That doesn't matter
Hipster #1: It does because any non-Asian person who eats with
chopsticks is pretentious.
Hipster #2: I'm not pretentious because I'm an American who uses
chopsticks; I'm pretentious because I speak fluent Latin.
--103rd St. station
Oh, Overheardinnewyork.com . My latest addiction.
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| Happy birthday to me. 20 years old today.
This was really a much bigger deal when I was 11.
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| I make a U-Turn on Pilgrim and spot the moon through the windshield. It's full and appears tinged red from the atmosphere.
Blood moon, I think. I
make a left onto Westbury Avenue. I'm leaving Ozzy's beerbecue
early- once they break out the weed at a party I usually make my exit.
I don't have anything against people who smoke in moderation but it's
really not my thing. I had a beer and played one game of beer
pong, because I knew I needed to drive home and I don't feel like
playing around with that stuff at all. It was an allright little
gathering- a little Egyptian Ratfuck, a little beer pong, lots of
talking and jokes. Not usually my thing but it was a good group
of people.
I was the first to show up, narrowly beating my boatswain Eric
there. Ozzy and his brother were there already- it was their
house, after all. The four of us were halfway into a game of beer
pong when Samantha showed up, the only girl and the only other person
who wasn't smoking. I told a bunch of jokes over the course of
the night. Two drums and a cymbal
fall off a cliff..... badum-ching! Why did Hellen Keller's dog
run away? You'd run away too if your name was nngghaaah.
I make a right onto Glen Cove Road and wonder if I was being a jerk,
telling jokes all the time. I wasn't hitting on her or anything,
I know that much, but even talking to a girl without directly
mentioning Meg in the early part of the conversation makes me
feel guilty.
Another turn and I'm headed for the Meadowbrook parkway. Decent
night over all. Nothing really exciting, but something about
seeing the moon really got me thinking. The moon shone like a
gold coin when I was driving home on the parkway.
Nationals was last week. I fenced two events, Division 2 and 3
men's saber. I did decent in the preliminaries both times and
lost my first DE both times. I dropped the ball, yeah, nothing
new. It wasn't that terrible in div 2, because the night before
my flight was delayed and my sleep was all broken up, which isn't a
great way to prepare for a tournament. Div 3 was really a shocker
though- there is no way I should've dropped that bout. Even with
a blown call in the preliminaries- It was not the cleanest prise de fer
I've ever done, but I know I didn't hit the floor like the director
said. I was really out of it for a while, questioning my whole
commitment to fencing, but I'm O.K. now. The nights were a lot of
fun- the food in Atlanta was pretty good, and there were plenty of
parties to go to. All these fencing towns feel the same, though-
really pretty, decent restaurants, but hollow. Like there's
nothing inside- just a big "downtown" of hotels and restaurants.
New York City hums, these places echo.
The beach has been nice- East Bathhouse Pool is dead quiet because
during the week it's reserved for camps. I haven't gone out to
the ocean just yet- it's still a little frightening, I don't know
why. I mean, I know I'm good enough, and I know the ocean well
enough... it's just intimidating. I haven't made a save out there
yet, and part of me is just still worried. Worried that I'll fuck
up my part in the rescue, or that maybe I won't be fast enough, and
that someone will get hurt because of me. :-/ In the pool everything is
right there in front of you- go in and pull them out. The ocean
fights you for that victim.
I miss Meg. She's only a few weeks from coming home, but it feels
like forever... I miss her so much. She's my best friend, my
confidant, everything to me. And she's not here. The
attitude of many of my coworkers is not comforting, as well- many
jokingly ask if Meg is involved with any spanish guys, or mention the
area code rule that makes me feel sick on the inside. I don't
suspect her and I could never be unfaithful to her, but the distance is
causing stress... I just wish she was home with me.
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| Work at Palladium's over. Back to Long Island, Jones Beach, and
the FCLI. Nationals in a few weeks, birthday party a few weeks
after that. Work was pretty solid at Palladium but I can't wait
to be out in the sun again. The New York Athletic Club is really
great, but I left a body cord with one of the guys there- and I need it
back before Nationals. But I've got plenty of time to go get
it. And hey, I'll be able to take lessons next week, woohoo.
Right now, everything's pretty nice. I've got work in the
morning, the TV's playing a good movie, and I've set up my birthday
party on facebook. Meg called earlier... I miss her real
bad. I can do pretty well most of the day but as soon as she
calls or I see her online I just... can't take it. I haven't been
apart from her this long since last year, and she's not even halfway
through. She's more than my girlfriend. She's my best
friend, my confidante, and everything I ever wanted or needed... and
she's a thousand miles away. When she calls me and I can hear her
voice but not see her, part of me is ecstatic and part of me just wants
to curl up and cry, I miss her so much. Oh well... gotta just
wait it out, I guess.
Didn't mean for this to get all emotional, sorry about that. I
hope to see everybody from LI again as soon as possible, now that I'm
home.
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